| Author | Message | ||
| Jim02 Registered user Username: Jim02 Post Number: 166 Registered: 5-2007 |
I recall reading from a book titled "Don't sweat the small stuff". "You don't have to catch the ball." The point was ; when others brig problems to you, you are not always obligated to take them on. I extend this concept to processing problems in general. I discover, life can flood you from all directions. In my own world , I am dealing with personal growth, transitioning out of SDA etc...Plus my own typical domestic happenings. Then comes , inlaws, relatives, adult children, friends etc that call up or arrive on your door step wanting you to help, advise, take on the problems they have and so forth. Have you ever said, "wait a minute, somewhere in here I need a chance to slow down"? You want to help, be involved. But being flooded ? Thus , I mention this because it is about balance. I reason, it has to be ok to linit ones response and involvement. Lending a sympathetic ear but letting them handle it. To not be an endless resource for making it better. All this can bump into guilt trips. But the fact remains. Too much! Setting boundries. I try to balance all things. That is a skill that has been blurred by SDA open ended obligation thinking. I tended to not have a boundry when it came to how much is ever enough. Is it ok to say no? | ||
| River Registered user Username: River Post Number: 1145 Registered: 9-2006  |
Last week my teen aged grand daughter wanted to borrow my truck to take her friends camping. I didn't have no problem saying "NO!" I'd druther be ask anything as for a teenager to drive my truck. And it does get stickery about my tractor too. Most other things, I am a pretty soft hit Jim. I find that I am always trying to "make things better" Welcome to the world Jim. River | ||
| Jim02 Registered user Username: Jim02 Post Number: 167 Registered: 5-2007 |
River, That is the reality of "guy brain". We like to "fix" things. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 6380 Registered: 12-2003  |
So true! But Jim, it is important to be able to say "No" to people when they ask for things they should handle themselves. It's especially troublesome when it comes to relatives. I've watched Richard do some difficult but good boundary-setting with family. When it comes to our sons, Richard has taken a pretty hard line that they have to have the concept of supporting themselves as adults and working. He determined when they were young that he would not buy them cars; they had to purchase their own. They did—Roy purchased a car from us when he graduated from high school—and Richard allowed him to make payments. But he had to pay. Nathanael actually has been a "saver", and by the time he was a senior in high school, he was able to buy a good used car for cash. Sometimes I have been on the verge of bailing out our older son from a financial crisis during his college years, but Richard has always said, "He has to learn to support himself." (Of course, we never let him become homeless, etc., but we haven't supported bad decisions or self-indulgence!) He moved into a shared apartment during his sophomore year, and we gave him a pre-agreed monthly stipend to cover food. But he had to work to pay his own rent/utililties. Further, Richard told him up front that we would pay his tuition for five years (he began as an engineering major which generally requires five years). If he took longer than that, he was on his own. Roy changed majors and took a few 12-hour quarters, and he ended up taking six years to finish his computer science degree. By the time Roy was ready for his sixth year, he knew he had to pay and actually saved money during the summer for his tuition. Interestingly, we have a good relationship with him—better than before he moved—and we all enjoy "hanging out". There's mutual respect and love. We're also doing a boundary thing with our younger son. He's been living at home and attending college. Richard has "lowered the boom" and said he has to move out by the time school starts. He's 20--and he resists change. But he has to grow up and support himself, too. So yes, it's not only OK but necessary to set boundaries and say No. People need to learn to take responsibility for themselves without always falling back on us. We have an obligation not to enable irresponsible behavior. Of course, I don't know your exact circumstances, but I know that boundaries are good! Colleen | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 4040 Registered: 3-2004  |
Yes, Jim, It is good to set boundaries and know when to say no. One thing my grown son told me is that I was consistent with him as he was growing up. I cried at that. I set boundaries and do not let any one cross them unless I want it also. Diana |
