| Author | Message | ||
| Zjason Registered user Username: Zjason Post Number: 56 Registered: 11-2005 |
I come here frequently to read. And once in a while I come here to vent or solicit your prayers. Today we (my wife and children and I) went to run some errands and it was past lunchtime for the kids. I suggested mcdonalds and usually we get french fries for the children and my wife gets the crispy chicken and I get the cheesburger meal. So great. We get the stuff to go and sit down at the table at home to eat. My 7 year old and 5 year old ask me for a little bit of my cheeseburger with their fries and I say, sure. I start cutting the cheeseburger and decide to give my 7 year old the whole thing and I hand the other one to my 5 year old, thinking that they would decide they wouldn't like it and give it back. The 5 year old asks if it is beef and my wife says "yes" with some tension in her voice. My 7 year old is munching away happily, and I feel the flames coming out of my wife's eyes. I'm thinking, "yes? what's the problem?" Later after the children are playing outside and we have the discussion. She says she is upset and angry that she has been trying to raise the kids vegetarian and I have undermined all those years. I come back with the obvious that he wanted to have some cheeseburger and I couldn't very well tell him that he couldn't have any while I was eating it right in front of him. Not to mention that she was eating her crispy chicken sandwich in front of him as well. "I don't eat meat that much except for a few times a year." she counters. We then got into the "I married you thinking you were an adventist and I know that you aren't that way anymore" discussion with tears on her part, like I've betrayed her, and I was pretending all this time to believe as she did. I tried to defend myself, but all that came to mind was jumbled, I couldn't say anything. You know, if we didn't have children between us, we would have been divorced a few years ago. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 5992 Registered: 12-2003  |
Zjason, it's good to see you again. Oh, I'm so sorry about today. I understand that "where do I go from here?" feeling. Would your wife be willing to study the Bible with you? I mean, sit together and read Galatians together, a chapter at a time--or even a few verses at a time? If she's eating chicken, even a few times a year (!), it seems that she can't be an overly devout Ellen devotee, although without doubt she's got a lot of guilt because of Ellen's legacy. My sense is that your wife feels some cognitive dissonance herself. For example, her trying to teach the kids to be vegetarian when she'll eat chicken in front of them tells me that in some way she's easing her mind about eating meat by devoting herself to the "concept" of vegetarianism and to training the kids to be pure. Somehow when the kids become involved, our own inconsistencies make us more uncomfortable. In fact, basing my impression on my own reactions over the years, I'll bet she felt trapped when you pointed out that she was eating chicken because she knows she didn't have a good defense, and instead of dealing directly with her cognitive dissonance, she went for the bottom line: she feels insecure because her husband isn't giving her a solid, dependable foundation of Adventist loyalty against which she can brace herself as she rationalizes her own "experimentation". (Again, I'm guessing based on myself...) Have you clearly talked to her about the literal, objective problems with Adventism? Have you asked her to read anything or study with her? I know that wives really respect (and frankly, need) husbands who can take the spiritual leadership in the family while loving them and protecting them. I know that your wife's reactions make it hard for you to be open about these things, but Jason, as you trust Jesus to be truthful, you can risk talking to your wife. Jesus Himself will guard your heart and give you the words and the courage to say what you need to say and what she needs to hear. She may initially recoil in fright, but frankly, if you stay committed to honoring the Lord Jesus and keeping the Bible as your rule of faith and practice for your own life, even if she sees you leaving Adventism, there will be a deep awareness in her heart that you're not leaving her adrift. If you're anchored to the Lord Jesus, she will feel a security from you. Even if she's angry, she will feel a certain respsect for you if she sees that you're not withdrawing, leaving her emotionally vulnerable, or being passive. Again, I'm sort-of "guessing" here, but I believe that if you haven't had a serious talk with her about Adventism, if you haven't offered to study with her, you should. I'm not saying these moves would fix what's wrong...but at least you could hold your head up knowing you had been honest and had acted with integrity. I've been continuing to pray for you and your wife, Jason...and I'll continue. Pray that you will know how to love her for God. I'm so sorry...but hey, the good thing is that your kids know that cheeseburgers are good for food! (That's something I wish our 20-year-old had learned at that age; he's attending a public university and has a deep aversion to meat in spite of Richard's becoming a "carnivore" nearly two years ago. It's a burden, for sure...) Colleen | ||
| River Registered user Username: River Post Number: 826 Registered: 9-2006  |
Praying for you and your family Zjason. River | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 3738 Registered: 3-2004  |
zjason, Praying for you and your family. Diana | ||
| Zjason Registered user Username: Zjason Post Number: 57 Registered: 11-2005 |
Thanks. I appreciate your appraisal of my perception of this ordeal. (mouthful of words there) Honestly, I have found it easier to just not deal with the problem. Instead of taking the time to talk to God about it, I immerse myself in other things. Frankly, over the last 6-8 months, I've been in a "I don't want anything to do with religion, or worship, or God" mindset(shocked silence...) I still attend church with my family, but I usually sit in the cradle roll with my two littlest ones and read or write. I loathe being in church, almost as much as my children. I have the type of personality that prefers to not stir the waters. And I haven't addressed this issue between us for that very reason. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out in the way that I would've hoped. Colleen, I think you are right...I'm going to have to reconnect with God somehow...then go from there... I had to leave for work after our little discussion this afternoon. I haven't spoken to her yet by phone. I dread tomorrow... But it'll be all right, I'm sure... Thanks guys. jason (I'm glad, too, that meat is good for food. That made me smile when I read that...) (Message edited by zjason on June 04, 2007) | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 5994 Registered: 12-2003 |
Jason, reconnecting with God is not difficult. He is there, now, and He is just waiting for you to speak to Him. There's really nothing you need to "do"--except speak to Him. He asks us to be willing to submit ourselves to His reality and to repent of our resistance and refusal to live in truth. He is completely faithful, Jason—He never turns away someone who comes to Him and he already knows what you struggle with. He desires to heal your heart and your family. You can trust Him. He will not trick you nor play games with you. Praying for you, Jason... Colleen | ||
| Jim02 Registered user Username: Jim02 Post Number: 31 Registered: 5-2007 |
Jason, I am new to the forum myself. My experience in my own marriage was early on , she looked to me as a source of leadership and as the head of the family. When I started this long process of falling in and out of SDA attendance over the years it led to her evntually losing all interest in SDA. Since she was brought into the SDA faith as a result of our marriage years ago. I suppose once again, it had a lot to do with her looking towards myself as the leader in family faith. As I withdrew, played it safe, kept quite about it but clearly showed I was adrift myself and discontent with SDA. She filled the vacuum I left with a decision to go back to her Catholic roots. Thus I abdicated my leadership and in a way perhaps much of her respect for me as a leader. I withdrew, and became recluse and this led to a separation that I am currently working to reconcile. My warning to you. Accept or reject. I offer this in all sincerity.: You should be honest with your wife in a metered and cautious way. But don't speak about your confusions too much. Some things are better spoken to those not so close to the problem, such as this wonderful forum. Just don't give up your leadership, your involvement. If you go neutral, complacent, a vacuum will result. In my own struggle to rebuild my marriage. She knows that I am "now" sorting things out agressively. (Learning the hard way) I have detected a measure of respect once again. A seed of hope. She sees I am no longer drifting aimlessly. I am searching. There is a difference. Before, I was stuck in neutral waiting for something to happen. Guess what, something happened. She left........ I realize this is far fetched in your situation. Your circumstances are different. I just hope you can avoid unnecessary damage. Damage that can be prevented. Don't drift............... | ||
| Bobj Registered user Username: Bobj Post Number: 188 Registered: 1-2006  |
Jim and Jason I am praying for your both. I could use your prayers, too. It's good when we just trust the Lord, even when we don't have all the answers. Proverbs 3;5,6 is such an encouragement. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." May God keep us. Bob | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 3741 Registered: 3-2004 |
A prayer for all of you; Father in Heaven, You are the I AM, the Alpha and Omega and have many other wonderful names. And because of Jesus we can come to you and call you Father. Right now, I am asking that you be with Jim, Jason and Bob. You know the needs of each one. You know best what to do for them, their spouses and their families. God, Teach each person what you want them to know so that they can grow spiritually and be the persons you want them to be. Thank you God for doing this. You are so awesome. Diana | ||
| Jim02 Registered user Username: Jim02 Post Number: 34 Registered: 5-2007 |
Thank You Diana. Bob, Yes I will pray for you. I will keep all of us on the forum in my prayers. Yes, I need your prayers too. Prayer matters, and it counts. | ||
| Reb Registered user Username: Reb Post Number: 140 Registered: 5-2007 |
I will pray for you and your family, Jason. Initially my wife was angry when I started attending Seventh Day Baptist Church as my transition out of Adventism. We are now at a truce where I can be an SDB but I will not bother her beliefs and I'm ok with that. We have a son who is 15 and wants to leave Adventism also and I am getting some of the blame for that but things are basically ok for now. I just keep on loving my wife and not argue with her. I wish I were a better leader but I just don't seem to have the leadership ability I should. The only thing I can do is just love her and not argue at this point. We are on vactaion and I am going to attend SDA church with her this morning and I will probably just tune it out. I hope and pray your situation works out, Jason. I know firsthand how close-minded hardcore Adventists are and it's fear that largely keeps them that way. Remember this is a CULT you are dealing with. Just keep on loving her as Christ loves the Church that's what I am trying to do with my still SDA wife and it seems to be wotking. |
