| Author | Message | ||
| River Registered user Username: River Post Number: 4912 Registered: 9-2006  |
Summer is here and for writers, its writers conferences. This month the group I am with invites us to write about the good memories we have of time with our fathers to honor them (and I suspect to keep us writing). In any event I started casting about in my mind for a good memory to share about time with my father, willing to bring out vivid description of an event, a cherished memory. The only problem was that I could not come up with one second of good memories. I am empty, I have nothing to share. Not a single time in my life where I was shown love, nor appreciation for ever having been borned upon this earth. I have many, many memories of beatings, kickings, but not one single memory of my Dad taking one single second to do anything with me, not one pat on the head and not one ‘Well done.’ Out of a whole lifetime it looks like I could come up with a single second of joy with my Dad, but I cannot. I have written before some time back that after I was saved God wore my fathers face. I did not trust him, no way was I able to trust him to control anything about my life, he could love me and save me, but I could not trust him and I wondered how long it would be before he turned on me and turned to me and shoved me off into hell for some infraction be it big or small. I took years, but God was not pushy, it reminds me of a dog that has been mistreated, he’ll crawl up on his belly and take the food offered because he is hungry, but don’t touch the dog because his spirit is broken. God just kept holding out the food to me until finally one day, years later, he could lay his hand on my head and then I knew, the master would not mistreat me. Like that dog, I would run off on my own to hunt, because I was surviving, but when I would get real hungry he would be there holding out the food to me and I would eat. I hope you Dads will share some good time with your kids, even if they are grown, go to them and tell them you love them and are proud of them. I still to this day cannot feel that people don’t want to use me, I have a hard time feeling that anybody could love me and so I watch at wait at the outer circle, waiting for disappointment, never trusting. I wait on the outer circle of love for the kick to come. I hate it, it is just the way it is. Fathers don’t do that to your kids. Don’t injure them to the point of no chance for recovery. River | ||
| Seekinglight Registered user Username: Seekinglight Post Number: 188 Registered: 3-2009 |
River, thank you for vulnerably sharing this with us. Each time you tell your story, God uses it for His glory (ooo, I made a rhyme!). I'm sorry this happened to you and that it's hard to trust people now. You DID NOT deserve what your father did to you. I'm grateful that you came to know the love of the Heavenly Father. Many folks are still so hurt from their own parents that they are unable to turn to Him yet--like you said, for many years God wore your father's face. Dear Jesus, please keep gently reaching out to the broken, abused, and wounded individuals who do not yet trust You. Thank You for bringing River into Your family! May he find continual renewal and healing from You and Your people! Jesus, work through us. We are Your hands to bind up the bruised and hurting individuals that You place in our lives. Amen. | ||
| Seekinglight Registered user Username: Seekinglight Post Number: 189 Registered: 3-2009 |
Oh, another thought just came to mind. I believe the SDA attracts a significant number of abused and broken people--particularly ones from chaotic homes and backgrounds because the structure and rules are comforting at first. However, once the church attracts them, it provides nothing for their continued healing b/c it's a false religion. I've seen this anecdotally over and over again. Instead, they are kept so busy with church activities and trying to keep all the rules correctly that they do not see or admit their broken state so Christ can heal them. They do not learn to be vulnerable and express emotions or even feel them at all. Unfortunately, many of them rise to leadership roles and they never experience the Gospel. Then the abuse cycle continues. | ||
| River Registered user Username: River Post Number: 4914 Registered: 9-2006 |
Yes Seekinglight, I believe you are right, of course having no experience IN adventism when I say that, but it does seem to me if it might appear to them like it offers them some kind of structure and even solace at first or a since of belonging. More especially troubled teen agers would it not? I became an alcoholic at a very young age, I think because temporarily I would not be troubled so the bottle was my solace and became my master. Don't get me wrong, when I wrote that I was not seeking people to feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel so fortunate that God delivered me and I love him much. I just thought it was so very sad not being able to remember one second of time with my Dad that was good out of a lifetime. I also do not hold animosity in my heart toward my Dad, just sadness of heart and wishing it might have been different. If I had of been introduced to Adventism I am pretty sure that I would have fell for it if they could have made me feel that I belonged. That's why a lot of times kids join gangs, because they have nothing else. Its what we are supposed to do, take in the abused and the bruised, but sometimes I think we don't seek them out because we are afraid they will mess up our nice churches. But if we don't the Adventist will, do you agree with that? As for me, I am a lot further down the road to healing than I was 20 and 30 years ago. I don't think I will ever be completely healed here on this earth, but things are better. I hardly ever turn my thoughts so directly inward any more, but sometimes there are the rough places. However, I thank God for the rough places, it gives me understanding for the hurting and I feel what they feel. Its not so important that I can feel love and trust as that I can love and trust others deeply. That is the greatest gift of all, that I can love others and I thank God for it. River | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 9923 Registered: 12-2003  |
River, thank you for your poignant post. Praise God He is our Father--and He's your Father personally. He is redeeming all those bruises, seen and unseen. He is giving you a voice and His own insight, and He is using you to love others for Him. Thank you. Colleen | ||
| Hec Registered user Username: Hec Post Number: 227 Registered: 3-2009 |
Thank you, River for your openness. It will help many who also feel the same pain. And thank you Jesus for loving River and for letting us love him. Thank you for the love he gives us and for reminding us that you are there to love us too. Hec |
