| Author | Message | ||
| Breezy |
Oh my stomach, my chest, I can't stop laughing, ooh ooh it hurts. Stop, it's too funny! AAAhhh! Help me. I am laughing so hard I may not need to diet. Aside from how funny it is, it is very scary! My husband hates it when people state the obvious. His favorite pet peeve phrase of his brother's is "You can do anything if you have the right tools." Well,duh! I'm still laughing! Thanks Steve, Wendy | ||
| Breezy |
I don't know, it must have been the hysterical laughing. Wendy | ||
| Steve |
Some punny stuff . . . There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. _________________________________ A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." | ||
| Steve |
When I was young, friends and I would go to tall buildings in San Francisco and go "Elevator Hopping." Anyone out there ever do elevator hopping? Well, if not, here are some fun things to do in an elevator . . . Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and mutter, "Shut up! All of you just shut up!" Crack open your briefcase or purse; while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral." When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." | ||
| Breezy |
Steve, I love that one. The second one. The first one hurt.:) Have you ever read any Piers Anthony "Xanth" fantasy books. It is in a parallel universe where everything is based on puns. Really funny. pick up that peel. Wendy | ||
| Maryann |
Hi Wendy, A funny that I heard from the Brindsmead/Paxton era 20+ years ago was: In comparing Paul's writing in the NT to Norman Vincent Peale's writing such as The Power of Positive Thinking, Brindsmead said, "I find Paul appealing and Peale appauling". Maryann | ||
| Breezy |
Hee Hee! Oh so very true! Wendy | ||
| Patti |
WELL-TRAINED In my last position as minister of music, I became rather perturbed with the sloppiness of the acolytes; so I made it my project to have an "Acolyte School" that lasted for four Sundays in August. I had about five first through fifth graders in my "school." We systematically discussed everything that an acolyte should and should not do, and then I allowed them to practice quite a bit. One Sunday we were reviewing the "rules." The acolytes wore robes with wide sleeves like choir robes. I made the statement that they must be very careful, or the sleeves might come into contact with a candle flame. Then I asked what I intended to be a rhetorical question: "What in the world would we do if your sleeve caught on fire!" A second grader already had the situation pegged. He shouted, "Stop, drop, and roll!" | ||
| Maryann |
GEORGE H.W. BUSH AND MOSES President George Bush died and went to heaven. When he entered, he was met by Saint Peter, who asked him if he had any requests. "Yes I do," he said. "I've studied the leadership of Moses and I would love to talk to Moses." And when Saint Peter found Moses, he told him President Bush wanted to talk with him. Moses replied: "No way. Last time I talked to a bush, I got 40 years." | ||
| Sherry2 |
Good one, Maryanne. Steve, fellow elevator-hopper here. Great ones! How hysterical! I've got to share those with my hubby. Gotta try those some time! :) | ||
| Maryann |
As to elevator fun: As the mom of a gymnast (real good one;-) I would be the room mom on occasion while traveling around the country to meets. One of the things that I can mention that the girls would do as pranks was: At the hotel, 6 or 8 girls would jump in the elvevator and stand on their hands as soon as the doors would close. When the elevator would stop on the next floor, the most amazing looks would come over the passengers faces. It was almost as if they were slapped or they had to check themselves to see if they were right side up! At the next stop, they would get off shaking their heads and a new load of passengers would get on. I never got tired of that use of the elevators. All this time the girls would be giggling hysterically and I have no clue as to how they could support their bodies with their arms when they were carrying on so much. I would have collapsed;-(( | ||
| Maryann |
Patti must be properly thanked for starting this thread.......THANK YOU! ;-)) Now: I got really slammed the other day and just have to share it ;-)) I made the mistake of commenting to a "die hard" SDA that I had proof that SDAism was not on the rise in the USA, but was in on the rise in other countries. I've worked for 16 years in construction and have worked around literally thousands and thousands of guys. I have met hundres and hundreds of wonderful Christians on the job that witnessed so wonderfully to me. I met my FIRST (1st) SDA on the job last year. He was a convert from South America!! YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS TOLD?!!!!:-((( WELL, SEVENTH-DAY-ADVENTIST in the USA are generally better educated than construction workers and usually have prestigious jobs like doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers etc, so naturally, you wouldn't see them on a construction sight! They just don't generally put themselves in THAT kind of an environment!!! Hee, hee, hee, hee, that really busted me up laughing. That was the funniest thing I'd heard in a long time;-)) It got funnier when I thought about how prestigious construction workers would be if there was no water to flush the toilets or water for the washing of hands after the bathroom duties!! And so on............LOLOL.....ROTFL That is one of the best slams I have ever had!! ;-))..........Maryann | ||
| Patti |
From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis. Where dogs came from..... Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him and Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other | ||
| Sherry2 |
It's All Your Fault! An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" | ||
| Sherry2 |
SUBJ: Just Like Jesus An elderly pastor was dying in the hospital after a long and virtuous life. He knew he did not have much more time left on earth and was looking forward to hanging out with Jesus in the throne room. As he was facing his last hours, he sent for his attorney and his accountant. When they arrived at the Pastor's bedside, they were astonished to learn that the Reverend wanted only the two of them to be with him in his final moments. The lawyer and accountant were feeling mighty pleased with themselves, that of the whole town, only they were chosen to ease the Pastor into the next life. The barrister said, "Reverend, the accountant and I are delighted to be so important that you chose us to wait by your bedside." "My son," replied the pastor, "it's like this. My whole life I have tried to be like Jesus. And now I want to die like Jesus...between two thieves!" | ||
| Chyna |
i'm still giggling about this verse in the bible. I remember patti quoted it before in the health topic section. i wish i could send this to all the vegetarian adventists i know: Romans 14:2 For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables. | ||
| Maryann |
I saw something VERY funny the other day. It was a regular Arizona license plate that was 915 EGW. What really amused me was that there was a license plate on someone's car that was (ironicly advertizing) 666 EGW! gggggggg | ||
| Maryann |
Which got me to wonder what EGW really stood for: EGW.....Ellen G. Wrong:):) | ||
| Maryann |
Sorry gals, I just couldn't resist this one;-)) Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" "Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?" | ||
| Max |
Heard this syllogism on Michael Jackson's radio talk-show: Major premise: To err is human, to forgive divine. Minor premise: I err, I'm human, I forgive. Conclusion: I'm divine. Can anybody determine what's wrong with this reasoning? |
